Understanding and Setting Healthy Boundaries

By Anna Ram~ Psychologist, Coach, and Prepare-Enrich Certified Facilitator

This reflection completes our September reflections and psychoeducation series: “Navigating Relationships.” Related content: positive communication, conflict resolution and Elements of Trust in Relationships.

Boundaries are vital in our lives, acting as invisible lines that define personal space, emotional exchanges, and legal rights.

Boundaries protect emotional well-being, promote assertive communication, and ensure mutual respect in relationships, helping to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

Boundaries are essential in all relationships, fulfilling our need for autonomy and self-definition of who we are and we stand for, They promote self-respect.

This topic on boundaries is vast as it  includes various aspects such as types of boundary needs, violations, strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries, and the impact of other factors on boundaries, such as technology, professional development, aging, social justice, neurodiversity, time, finances, culture, religion, etc. Because it’s challenging to cover all these elements in this blog, I recommend good books  as a psychoeducational material, such as the “Boundaries” from Dr.Henry Cloud, and other authors that offer valuable insights to support your growth.

Origin and Historical Context

The concept of boundaries originated in Europe, in the 16th century. Literature often explored boundaries as reflections of personal limits, emotional states, and moral dilemmas, highlighting struggles against societal constraints. This concept has evolved significantly in personal relationships and psychology, influenced by various philosophical and cultural factors.

The early 20th century saw Freud’s psychoanalysis emphasize individual autonomy and self, while the 1960s and 1970s brought focus on self-actualization by psychologists like Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, highlighting the need for personal boundaries. In the 1980s, figures like Murray Bowen introduced emotional boundaries within family systems theory, examining their impact on family dynamics and promoting healthier relationships. Since 1992, Christian psychologists such as Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have popularized the concept of boundaries in personal relationships and family life  through their books, as well as other re-known professionals on the subject.

Boundaries as Structures of limits to our Freedom

I prefer the definition of boundaries as “a structure of limits to  our freedom.” This “framework.”   When it comes to relationships, it defines the limits of our interactions, emotions, and personal space. Rather than merely being limitations.

In the structures of limits to our Freedom we experience two things:

• Safety and Security: Just as a fence provides security for a garden, boundaries create a safe space where individuals can express themselves freely without fear of overstepping or being overwhelmed.
• Clarity and Understanding: Clear boundaries help clarify expectations in relationships, allowing us to navigate interactions with confidence to connect, to engage authentically.

The structures of limits to our Freedom Empower Us to Self-Expression, to Personal Responsibility, promoting autonomy and self-awareness.

 The structures of limits to our Freedom brings Balance between personal needs and the needs of others. And bring Flexibility to adapt as we change.

Communicating Our Needs

We reflect before we communicate so we can identify our needs, be specific and consistent.

Assertiveness: It’s important to express our needs directly and respectfully. Techniques such as using “I” statements can help convey our feelings without placing blame. For example, saying “I feel uncomfortable when…” can open a dialogue about boundaries without creating defensiveness.

Respect: Both parties must respect each other’s boundaries. If we cannot accept others boundaries on us is because we feel limited and even hurt. The same can happen to the other.

Responsibility: Each individual is responsible for their own boundaries. We recognize when we have crossed a boundary and take action to address it.

Boundaries Violation: Many people does not know what a healthy relationship looks like, especially when they grew out on abusive homes and went through abusive relationships. Many people are on high alert after  their boundaries have been violated, and they become “hypervigilant” in new relationships. This is unhealthy. How to manage this? Trust yourself. If something does not feel right, probable is not. Keep all things in balance and review the components on How to communicate your boundaries.

Boundaries Challenges

Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be challenging.  Psychiatrist and author Marian Rojas Estape says that “A person with will power goes further than a smart person.” Estape emphasize the importance of self-discipline and the ability to set “freedom boundaries” for oneself. Learning when to say YES or NO is essential to get our priorities back in check. For us to  say NO helps us to get to the roots of what we say YES, to begin with. We put value in what we do. So, what is motivating some individuals  to commit to more until they can do no more?

Common obstacles include feelings of guilt, fear of conflict, and societal pressures that may encourage overstepping personal limits. If you need to be loved, needed, or wanted, or don’t want to let people down, you will say YES to everything and everybody. Is this healthy?

Boundaries and Emotional Intelligence

The role of emotional intelligence in recognizing and respecting boundaries is understanding your own emotions and those of others that can help in setting them and responding to boundaries violations effectively. Let’s remember that boundaries goes in both ways. If we cannot accept others boundaries on us is because we feel limited and even hurt. Probably, they feel the same about our boundaries for them.

Attachment Styles and Boundaries

Your ability to maintain healthy relationships is also conditioned in part to your attachment styles. This is formed in childhood depending in how your parents interacted with you. The attachment styles are classified in secure and insecure attachments.

Insecure attachments are: the anxious style characterized by “ I’m not Ok, you are Ok”, the avoidant style “I’m Ok, you are not Ok”, and the disorganized style “ I’m not Ok, You are not Ok.” The secure attachment feels comfortable addressing concerns in a relationship with honesty and respect and it characterized by “ I am Ok, you are Ok.”

 Unfortunately, I cannot overextend in this topic to help you to recognize your attachment style, and what coping strategies you can adopt. But the idea is to work towards a secure attachment to build healthy relationships.

Cultural transcendence of Boundaries

Individualistic societies prioritize personal goals and independence, while collectivist cultures emphasize group cohesion and social harmony, often placing group needs above individual ones. Although, the need for autonomy is universal regardless of an individual’s cultural background. Individualist and Collective cultures,  both  offer valuable insights, especially as globalization cross cultures, blending these cultural values .

 My experience of raising children in a multicultural environment, building harmony while navigating the complexities of independence and boundaries, was smooth until they graduating from High School. In United States children grow up to become independent individuals at an early age. The concept of “boundaries” became significant to all, especially as they asserted their need for independence. This means leaving home to not come back as they moved to college campus. Assimilating to a new culture posed unique challenges, necessitating clarity, assertiveness, and kindness in boundary-setting as they grew up. Establishing boundaries can be sensitive and may hurt others, for this very reason I highlight the importance of consistent, loving communication and the need for flexibility as circumstances change.

Parenting and Boundaries

Good parenting involves modeling behaviors that establish boundaries, teaching children appropriate interactions and conduct through observation. Parents strive to do their best with the tools available to them, fostering a hope that their children will surpass them in building healthy relationships, which contributes to a healthy society. However, life can be unpredictable, and the idea that positive foundations will yield fruitful outcomes remains.

Not all families succeed in establishing healthy boundaries, leading to troubling behaviors, such as extreme violence between parents and children, and estrangement between parents and adult children. This alienation indicates deep-seated issues brewed in toxic relationships. Toxic dynamics often escalate from minimal interactions into severe situations involving gaslighting, narcissism, or abuse, causing trauma as boundaries are crossed. To address these issues, is best to take a  temporary “time out” to assertively communicate the boundary violations and foster understanding for future engagement, aiming to heal the relationship and keep your emotional wellness and mental health.

When abusive behaviors such as sexual abuse, intimate partner violence or domestic violence have been present in a relationship,  is best to keep distance and seek professional help. This conflict resolution might even need a mediator.

The wisdom of the Bible

The wisdom of the Bible offers insights into addressing brokenness in relationships of any kind. As I am addressing family dynamics particularly between parents and children, let’s explore these two key passages for parent-children interaction that is not reduced just to Christian families.  

The Preventive Way: Ephesians 6:1-4

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise—’so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (NIV).

The first part, suggests  a boundary of respect and authority within the family structure. Emphasizes the importance of children honoring their parents in all ways possible. This obedience is framed within the context of what is right and aligned with spiritual principles. The phrase “which is the first commandment with a promise” indicates that honoring parents is not just a duty but carries a significant benefit—“so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” This implies positive outcomes in a child’s life.

Parental Responsibility

The instruction to “Fathers, do not exasperate your children” highlights the importance of parental boundaries as well. It suggests that parents should be mindful of their actions and words, ensuring they do not create an environment of frustration or resentment. This sets a boundary to promote a nurturing approach.

Training and Instruction

The call for parents to “bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” emphasizes the need for parents to model appropriate behaviors and values. Given structured routines, and so on. This involves setting clear boundaries regarding acceptable conduct and expectations, guiding children in a way that aligns with moral and spiritual teachings as well.

Together, these elements suggest that boundaries in relationships are mutual. This power balance is key in the parent-child relationship.

The Corrective Way: Malachi 4:6

“He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; otherwise, I will come and strike the land with a curse.” (NIV)

This verse speaks to the restoration of relationships, stating, “He will turn the hearts of the fathers (read as “generations” “ parents”) to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers.” It highlights God’s desire for reconciliation and familial harmony, suggesting that unresolved issues, can become generational issues or curses stemming from unforgiveness. Setting boundaries does not negate  the possibility of forgiveness which is crucial for personal growth.

Both passages reflect the importance of reconciliation and the restoration of relationships between parents and children. While achieving this harmony is challenging, it is crucial to approach relationships with care and empathy.

In conclusion, setting boundaries is vital for setting the limits of our freedoms. They  provide security and safety, clarity and understanding. They promote respect for us and for others. We express our needs with clarity, assertiveness, and responsibility. Boundaries are essential to our self-definition and autonomy, to our emotional well-being and healthy relationships. Boundaries are vulnerable to violations and can present challenges to our relationships. Boundaries may be conditioned to our attachment styles, our parents’ parenting style, and they can be transcended by culture.  Counseling is a vital piece in this process as well as faith and prayer to enhance your spirituality.